Parents

Chapter 5

  Parents

Our lives have a beginning, a middle and an end; we come from our parents and we will end up, one way or another, in the ground. We may be frozen in a capsule to be restored in the far future but eventually, eventually, we all end up back in the ground; it could be as ashes, or embalmed in a coffin, or in a shallow grave, or no grave at all if you die alone in the wilderness. Maybe someone who loves another and honors them keeps their ashes in a beautiful urn of bronze, but one day that urn will be passed down, then passes down again, and again, and eventually it’ll be discarded, or reused, or the earth will swallow it up and in the earth they will be. Amen.

It’s a sobering thought but nothing that we don’t already know, and I think that as I grow older I accept this better and better. Not everyone has children, and I’m sure that not all animals mate either, or if they do, not all can actually have young. But if you’re here, someone did have you and that was your parents: Maybe they were great, supportive and adoring, maybe they weren’t any of those things but they were there, and maybe they really weren’t there at all, or completely absent- we each draw a different lot and we each do with it what we can and will.

I was blessed with flawed but amazing parents who taught me for years right from wrong; they were funny, intelligent, loving and stayed together till my Father died when I was just twenty-four, a new parent of Sven, our five month old baby. I’ve spent some time being pretty angry at my parents after they were gone for what they weren’t, or didn’t do, but I’ve come to accept that although they were indeed flawed, they were certainly flawed no more than I am, only their flaws came in a different variety, for the most part. Sure, I’ve inherited some of theirs defects, mostly my Dad’s, I think, and I’ve invented a whole new batch of my own character flaws that they never dreamed of!! All that said, I wouldn’t trade them or my lot in life with anyone anywhere! No one handed my Mom and Dad the “So, you’ve got a kid now, here’s all the answers!” book when my oldest brother, Jim, was born ten years before me, and as near as I can tell their parents weren’t great, nor were they terrible, just average when you weighed in the high’s and low’s. I’m sure my parents tried to be better than theirs were, and I know they succeeded. I’m trying to be better than my Mom and Dad were, and the jury is still out, but I keep trying. For years I felt I could never be a match for the Old Man who seemed to have limitless patience with me and when he did have to punish me he would never mention it again, ever; it was done and I had paid the price and that was that, either I learned my lesson or I didn’t, and  we’d rinse and repeat. And my mother, such a dear sweet lady who would listen as long as any of her five children needed to talk out their fears and dreams, and could never tell a joke without giving up the punch line too soon, was a such gift to me and many of my friends over the years!

I was so young when Sven and Kari were born, twenty-four and twenty-six, and twenty-nine when Thor was born; I worked insane hours at our small business and in my memory I sort of meandered along with them, taking what came as it came and learning as I went. And that’s not to say that I was a bad Dad, I did a few things really well and the kids are all great adults who are doing fine in life, but I missed so many moments not knowing how precious they were, how fleeting those feelings were, and how when they are gone they. are. gone.

My Dad said something to me once as I was holding Sven who was sleeping; I didn’t want to put him down because I was enjoying the feelings so intensely and Sven was probably two weeks old. Looking back, I believe now that my brain was literally being rewired on the spot because I remember this fierce wave of emotion rolling over me and through me and within moments I literally could not remember not feeling this way; couldn’t remember not willing to give my life in an instant for this baby in my arms. Suddenly no one, literally no one had power over me to sway me into doing something that I didn’t think was good for the Boy, or in his best interests. A few weeks earlier I was a terrified Dad to be who’d never actually changed a diaper, and then I was a Father, like, for real!!

I looked at my Dad and asked “How did you do this? How did you not become only Dad, and nothing else, and naught else mattered… nothing.” I wasn’t afraid of that happening to me, it would or it wouldn’t, I just genuinely wanted to know how he balanced it all.

“Other things come along and force you away; a paycheck, more babies, housework and your wife.” He answered calmly as if he knew exactly what I was feeling just then, could remember it himself as a much younger man. “But right now, you’re having an experience with that little guy that’s perfect, as good as it’s ever going to get! And you know what you have left when it’s all over in five minutes or five days?”

My throat had instantly gone dry and I croaked out “What??!”

“More great times, each one of them will be the best you’ve ever had in your life if you do just one thing…”

“What’s that?”

“Take the time to enjoy it, Boy, enjoy the hell out of it and it won’t swallow you up, I promise!”

I wish I could say I followed his advice even thirty percent of the time. I wish I could tell you that now with Diana I’m really doing that nearly all the time, but it’d be a lie. I am, however enjoying most things way more, from the mundane to the extreme; heck, I kinda enjoy changing diapers and will miss it when she’s finished potty training- even the really gross ones. She’s sitting next to me as I write this; we’ve been sharing some baby sandwiches and Diana is engrossed in a nursery rhyme video on my phone and we’re way over the screen time limit Mei and I have agreed upon!

I took away the phone (Sheesh, isn’t that what this whole thing is about anyway?) without too much argument from Dianasaurous Rex, as Sven made up for her in Texas last year when she was being demanding, and we read Thomas the Train and a few other books, then we went out front and played in the shade by the steps to get some fresh air before it was time to clean up the kitchen. Mei came home and is on baby patrol so I can continue the thought:

Parents… It seems in the Animal Kingdom that most parents nurture their young but not all, some compete with or feel challenged by their kids to the point of chasing them off or actually killing them! Mostly it’s the dominant male who does this with the up and coming males but we humans decided this is a bad idea and actually made it illegal, not just taboo. “Oh, I see Wade couldn’t take it anymore and killed both his teenage boys, better take him off the dinner party list for the holiday party this year!” No, we have a whole process and very severe consequences, which is good, otherwise it’s hard to see how even half of these young bucks would make it to twenty-one! (just kidding; as angry as I’ve been at either boy, I never considered their deaths to be a rational solution to any problem no matter how big or expensive). Ants have an actual nursery, and bees too, I believe, to raise their young. Chimpanzees will breast feed another’s young if needed and I would most likely sacrifice myself for ANY youngster of any color, religion or nationality if I believed I had half a chance to save them- and I bet most other human parents feel the same.

But plants do not do this, nor most insects, turtles, trees, fish, and some birds. Instead they procreate and ditch out! In fact, they sort of drive their species survival with a series of one night stands every mating season and it’s no big deal, just the norm. Dig a hole and bury the eggs after the male fertilizes them and be on your way!

Of course human babies wouldn’t survive if we did this AND most of the really great new words would never get invented like, “Hurreie!!” and that would be a shame.

Plant seeds are actually alive- not if we roast or drown them, but the ones that eventually grow are alive and can be alive in a seemingly dead state for thousands of years! Imagine that, you could release seeds that grow now, and you have to compete with them if you’re a plant that grows for more than one season, or you could have descendants that begin to populate the planet long after you and a thousand generations of your descendants have died and gone to plant heaven!! It’s like a get out of jail free card, or, holding the three of clubs in a game of hearts; an escape plan if needed!

Of course lots of seeds need to be eaten by critters so they can be spread far and wide in said critters scat. Usually how this happens is the seeds get swallowed with the surrounding fruit and it just so happens that that fruit becomes great fertilizer when it’s processed by the hungry critter what ate it. Did these things evolve together, or separately? I don’t know…

In some faiths it is believed that we are on a wheel, and when we die we come back either as a higher or lower being on that wheel, depending on our behavior in this lifetime. Were I to subscribe to this belief I think it might be a step up to come back as a tree!, as Homer Simpson says “TV, it asks so little and gives so much!”, and I think the same is true for trees.

This chapter is in memory of my cousin, Allen, who died a short while ago. Sweet dreams…

Reflections:

• Each seed that is waiting to start growing really only gets one chance to actually thrive, the conditions need to be pretty specific and most of them fail.
• I don’t remember what I thought about how the big kids got here, but Mei and I believe that Diana chose to come to us, to be in our family. I’ve asked her many times to try to remember it, but she only smiles and looks at me like I’m crazy. I suppose it doesn’t matter really, I’m just so grateful that she’s here in our life.